Friday, September 02, 2011

I am not Anna

With the chants of 'I am Anna' almost saturating the already humid Delhi August, the media and the country, let me attempt a mutiny of sorts by putting myself in the 'other' camp. The other camp consists of the Cornered party who were unwittingly caught in this tangle. This is their story.

Note: 'I am not Anna' is a fictitious concoction brewed with generous inspirational doses of jokes that should have increased the August ARPUs of our mobile network operators. This is pure uncorrupt fiction - as much a work of art as doodles on Dilbert's whiteboard. Any resemblance to any real characters is purely coincidental - as coincidental as the inevitable scratch on the glossiest BMWs temptingly swaying on the Delhi roads.

This is a faithful reproduction of what really fictionally happened:


I am M for S&T: I have called this important meeting to discuss a very serious issue brought to our notice by our honorable M for S. Our budding sports-women are unable to learn more on the great sports-woman Anna K anymore! It seems Oogle folks are upto some mischief again. I've got proof! Here, read this SMS someone sent me last midnight, it seems Oogle is now spitting out: 'Displaying results for Anna H. We're sure you didn't mean any other Anna'

I am M for S: Preposterous! This calls for a defamation motion, someone is trying to malign my name and the serious sports research being done in this country. I always suspected that Oogle was behind the Cee We Gee thingy as well!

I am M for S&T: Hmm... this seems to be a calculated campaign. Last week I typed 'Laptops for $34.5' and Oogle spit back sleaze with the header: 'Did you mean lapdance for $134.5? That seems more likely'.
I know technology and their software cant be that dumb! I suspect the foreign hand here.

I am M for D: Arrey sahab, I say Oogle is a threat to our national security! Last weekend I got lost in the 400 room you-know-which-palace; I searched on Oogle Maps on my indiPad for the nearest toilet - I am getting old and need to relieve myself pretty frequently; it said something like ... 'Sorry we don't have maps here at that zoom level. Try the woods!' This is a serious threat, what if... Shudder!

I am Advisor: Sir... I think there might be a way to get back at these people who are trying to topple our Cornered government.

I am M for S&T: Shabbash beta! Put your experience from Gold Men Sacked to some good use now.
(turning to the others) This youngster is full of bright ideas. He advised me on the fingerprint based indiPad assisted farming project for the poor farmers. Instructional videos from all those international professors and salsa lessons for entertainment free on their subsidized indiPads! All the farmers are already being enrolled for the Big-Brother-Is-Watching-You Identification (BBWYI) program- for their fingerprints.

I am M for E: (mumbling) Sir... these are poor farmers... even if we were to give them these devices for free... we have an issue with Power...

I am M for S&T: Silence M for E! All power and glory to Madame Prima Donna! Shut up if you don't want to get whacked. We have NO issues with power, do we?... Anyway, Advisor beta, please continue...

I am Advisor: Here's the plan: please listen to the whole story before interrupting me. Trust me I was the resident Oogle SEO expert at Gold Men Sacked!

So here goes... I will have our former M for S (yes, he is resting at our Sihar guest house, but he can still pull a few strings in his sleep) arrange a surprise 20-30 cricket match (we Indians are suckers for the willow) this weekend. Meanwhile, I will ask our special envoy to fly in on an emergency diplomatic chopper with Anna K to the cricket stadium- she will be our chief guest. Tonight, we will announce a press briefing where I'll invite all the journos in the city to cover the match and Anna K's latest swimsuit. The press and the internet will be flooded with Anna K. I know how Oogle's SlotGame Rank system works inside out! Within an hour Anna K will be back for good on Oogles pages!

Now comes the anti-climax... (wink) We sure don't want Anna H to walk in to the stadium and poach all the attention, do we? He's been talking something about indefinite fast- this could be a strategic Oogle SEO move by the fast food chain MyDonals!... (pausing for an effect and allowing his smartness to sink in)... So. While the media gets busy with the surprise 20-30, lets sneak up before sunrise and arrest Anna H. I know our journos are night owls, they would be fast asleep in their OB vans at that time on a weekend; neither their cat nor their mole will ever know!

I am M for S&T: Brilliant! I must get a seat near Anna K in the stadium. Dear 'I am M for H', please take care of the Anna H fellow, lock him up or do whatever- zero tolerance for people who are a threat to our democracy and are wasting our precious time. Madame Prima Donna should be delhighted! (turning to his advisor) Beta... I must recommend you for a promotion - good job!

The rest they say is history. Anna K refused to travel on the envoy's chopper and the 20-30 match never happened. The police however lived up to their expectation and their briefing - they arrested Anna H. Anna H instead announced that he wanted the stadium for his fast. Now their Oogle SEO strategy turned upside down! The entire country got out on the streets. Cornered party got completely cornered! ... and as you've all just read- it all started with an SMS joke sent by a good friend of mine that midnight.

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